He's Her Problem Now

The heart always feels the lies your head has chosen to let you believe. Sooner or later though, the two do come to an inevitable understanding. Nevertheless, it sucks to realize things after the fact, especially in a relationship. Like, realizing that the person who told you that there was no part of his life he wouldn't want you to be a part of, never let you be a real part of any of it. Or realizing that a person finally letting you go, isn't doing it for your own good or because of the damage he knows he's caused but rather because he's found another all too willing and naturally unsuspecting partner full of hope to slowly destroy. You realize that you were in fact the victim of an emotional predator. Hopefuly, after the pain wears away, or at least most of it does, you'll also realize that this cloud does indeed come with its own silver lining... he's her problem now.

Of course it certainly didn't seem that way one recent Tuesday evening when I happened to be strolling home with a friend and passed by the restaurant my ex and I regularly referred to as the sushi place on the corner. Since my move, made in pre-breakup denial, into his neighborhood, the sushi place on the corner happens to be one block south of me and one avenue east of him. Otherwise know as the intersection of uncomfortably close.

Something in me that night made me look. Something other than the thing that normally makes me turn my head to peek in-even when I know they're closed. Something inside me knew...knew I'd see them...and I did.

What I saw was the back of his head. He was sitting across from a hair tossing girl with a heartfelt smile that made even me want to be with her. Actually it made me want to be her. She seemed so happy to be exactly where she was-across from him.

Could he possibly be giving her more than he gave me? Was it true? Was he in fact capable of giving in general-just not capable of giving to me? Was I the problem? Luckily, I was off to therapy the next day and was looking forward to it. It would be my very first therapy session ever. Well, other than the countless conversations with my father who happens to be a shrink but I don't think that counts. He doesn't really therapize me anyway, he pretty much just fathers. I'm not sure which is worse, or, in my dad's case, if there's a difference.

My friends all reminded me of how I was in the beginning of the relationship. I was too, in love and taken with the grand things he'd say, like, "there's no part of my life I wouldn't want you to be a part of," or "so, it's just you and me,". See...the truth really is more deceptive than any lie-was that statement truer than ever. Though the intent was to imply so much more, the actual truth, which maybe he didn't even realize at the time, was that it was just him and me...never us.

"I feel sorry for her," my friends offered as support. Though my irrational side was telling me she was going to be the one, the one that I wasn't, there was a small part of me that felt sorry for her too. Sorry for what was to come. The confusing behavior, the excuses that didn't quite excuse anything and her probably blaming herself for the shortcomings in the relationship because he'd surely make her feel like it was her fault. Either she wouldn't respond to him the way he wanted or she would, but then he wouldn't want that response.

Then again...perhaps not. Perhaps, he had overcome and worked through all the issues of his past relationships with me. It felt like he did-and so maybe now he's a tabula rasa for a new relationship. Was that even possible? Or, would he come on so strong and then slowly, so slowly that you don't even notice what's happening until it's already happened, emotionally remove homself from the "US" that never really formed to begin with? Either way, I have come to realize in the week and a half since seeing them that, as my mother thankfully says, he's her problem now.

Why mother's always know is beyond me. Why we choose to ignore the fact that they do indeed know is beyond beyond. When my mom told me about a nice doctor I should meet in Boston through family connections, I quickly turned on her...."I'm not ready, I'm not calling him, it's strange". And my therapist, I mean my dad, said, "You know, meeting this guy could be the best thing for you". Maybe he's right. The last man I met through family connections I actually ended up engaged to. Hmmmm.....I guess all I can say to that is hello Boston. That and thanks mom, for going through the pain you see coming way in advance.

Fill It Up

Ah...the truth that misleads is more deceptive than any lie. It makes you empathetic. And if you have even the slightest penchant for men of the broken winged variety – in need of so much love and you're just the one to give it because you're the only one who really understands him- well think again. All the others understood him too. Believe me. And guess what...that's why they left.

When a seemingly to-be-trusted partner is upfront and says “I really want this to work. I know I'm damaged but I'm trying”, it's their get out of jail free card. You see, you believe them and believe in them. But more importantly, you believe this man wants to change and so, against your better judgement, you push down the pain of not getting what you need and allow the few little seeds of hope he's thrown your way to be planted. Unfortunately what grows is Ivy.

Ironically, HE taught me about Ivy. It certainly is pretty to look at but Ivy actually kills the very trees it covers and guess what...if you think it's easy to get rid of, think again. Hmmmm... I think I see a similarity.

Sure, I definitely played my part...that of willing participant in a completely unhealthy and unbalanced relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. Yes, the warning signs were there and yes, I just chose to believe that change, the change he said he feared was impossible for him to make, would happen. Why? Because I'm a fantastic girlfriend, who wouldn't want to make those changes for me?

Ok, kidding and a healthy dose of much needed self esteem boosting aside, isn't that how we all feel when we give our all to a person or a situation only to be kicked in the teeth without so much as a thank you?

Like a pro, he's essentially told you the most manipulative truth of all. The one that lets him get away with bad insensitive behavior... the one that allows him not to be an active participant in the relationship so the relationship only goes so deep...the one that lets him say, finally in the end when it all falls apart because...it totally will, "I never lied and I never mislead you."

And there you have it. He's right and you have nothing to say because there's nothing you can say.

However, in your next relationship, when he asks you to, "try to see me as a glass half full - not half empty," please, before you walk out, don't forget to say the only thing there is to say in that moment...“I need a full glass.”

If Only Men Were Boots

Just to be clear...if you express feelings of uncertainty in your relationship to your love partner of a year and a half, mainly about his feelings for you, and his way of making you feel better is to buy you a book called “Comfortable with Uncertainty” what you can be certain of is that this is his polite way of saying, “Deal with it bitch”. I am about as likely to read that book as I am “Adultery, the Forgivable Sin” ( yes it's a real book) and had I stayed in the relationship a week longer, I'm sure he would have offered that book to me as well.

The truth always comes out in the end and usually, if you wait long enough, they'll hand it to you all wrapped up in a bow, or a blog. I had been directed to his blog by a freind after having mentioned a few pieces of the breakup-puzzle I was already starting to put together. “I didn't want to tell you but...yeah...she was there".

I came to learn that while I was moving into my new apartment a block away from his (the move had been planned in pre-breakup denial) he was at Sundance with his new girlfriend on a trip I had initially been invited on.

As my friend Heidi would say...Oh...yuueeeesssss? Yes. One week later. You know what that means.

I should have known it would end like this. Not only will the truth always come out, but men will always tell you who they are up front, even when they try to tell you who they're not. One night while sipping drinks at the Skybar of the Hudson Hotel, and perhaps in an effort to clear a path free of suspicion for his future behavior, my ex told me how much we had in common. For one, we were not like most people who subscribe to the “Tarzan” theory of relationships.

“The what?” I ask. Naturally I'm interested. This is his theory and after all, he is...well...my Tarzan. We don't swing from branch to branch or relationship to relationship leaving one only when the other is well within our grasp, he explained. Ah......Hmmmmm....don't we? Well, he was right. WE don't do that...only one of us does.

Since I don't subscribe to the Tarzan theory, I would, when pushed to my limits, open the “we need to talk” conversation. I was ready, painful as it was, on a few occasions, to part ways -not because I didn't love him, I did, but because I just wasn't getting what I needed. Then I'd get the “I'm damaged” bill of goods and I'd buy it. But, not without some buyer's remorse; much like the boots I bought last week from the New York Look.

Black knee high riding boots, a chain behind the ankle and one behind the top of the calf and the tops could be folded over.

It was love at first sight until later that day when I showed them to my friend Russell over coffee. “What do you think?” I asked waiting for assurance that there was good reason for making the purchase I had no business making. "They'd be great if you had a parrot on your shoulder.”

Blinded by the sale and the need for post breakup retail therapy, I completely missed the obvious fact that they somehow made me look like I had forgotten to put on the rest of my Long John Silver's uniform. I wanted to take them back but... “I'm sorry, all sales are final, it says so on your receipt." WHAT? Ugh. They still looked great in the box and I might be able to get away with wearing them on occasion; I just didn't want them anymore...but they were mine.

I knew I was in for a ride with this guy but each time I tried to make a return he refused to give me my money back. Nor did he honor my VIP customer status and offer me a store credit for the older version of himself I fell in love with. You know, the version that was actually crazy about me and didn't want to have to pretend to feel less than he actually did.

At least at the New York Look, VIP customer status gets you something. The first day I wore the boots (well, I had paid for them right?) the chain fell off and though they tried to get me to accept to have them fixed, I got a store credit for damaged merchandise.

One thing IS for certain. Never buy anything you can't return.