He's Her Problem Now

The heart always feels the lies your head has chosen to let you believe. Sooner or later though, the two do come to an inevitable understanding. Nevertheless, it sucks to realize things after the fact, especially in a relationship. Like, realizing that the person who told you that there was no part of his life he wouldn't want you to be a part of, never let you be a real part of any of it. Or realizing that a person finally letting you go, isn't doing it for your own good or because of the damage he knows he's caused but rather because he's found another all too willing and naturally unsuspecting partner full of hope to slowly destroy. You realize that you were in fact the victim of an emotional predator. Hopefuly, after the pain wears away, or at least most of it does, you'll also realize that this cloud does indeed come with its own silver lining... he's her problem now.

Of course it certainly didn't seem that way one recent Tuesday evening when I happened to be strolling home with a friend and passed by the restaurant my ex and I regularly referred to as the sushi place on the corner. Since my move, made in pre-breakup denial, into his neighborhood, the sushi place on the corner happens to be one block south of me and one avenue east of him. Otherwise know as the intersection of uncomfortably close.

Something in me that night made me look. Something other than the thing that normally makes me turn my head to peek in-even when I know they're closed. Something inside me knew...knew I'd see them...and I did.

What I saw was the back of his head. He was sitting across from a hair tossing girl with a heartfelt smile that made even me want to be with her. Actually it made me want to be her. She seemed so happy to be exactly where she was-across from him.

Could he possibly be giving her more than he gave me? Was it true? Was he in fact capable of giving in general-just not capable of giving to me? Was I the problem? Luckily, I was off to therapy the next day and was looking forward to it. It would be my very first therapy session ever. Well, other than the countless conversations with my father who happens to be a shrink but I don't think that counts. He doesn't really therapize me anyway, he pretty much just fathers. I'm not sure which is worse, or, in my dad's case, if there's a difference.

My friends all reminded me of how I was in the beginning of the relationship. I was too, in love and taken with the grand things he'd say, like, "there's no part of my life I wouldn't want you to be a part of," or "so, it's just you and me,". See...the truth really is more deceptive than any lie-was that statement truer than ever. Though the intent was to imply so much more, the actual truth, which maybe he didn't even realize at the time, was that it was just him and me...never us.

"I feel sorry for her," my friends offered as support. Though my irrational side was telling me she was going to be the one, the one that I wasn't, there was a small part of me that felt sorry for her too. Sorry for what was to come. The confusing behavior, the excuses that didn't quite excuse anything and her probably blaming herself for the shortcomings in the relationship because he'd surely make her feel like it was her fault. Either she wouldn't respond to him the way he wanted or she would, but then he wouldn't want that response.

Then again...perhaps not. Perhaps, he had overcome and worked through all the issues of his past relationships with me. It felt like he did-and so maybe now he's a tabula rasa for a new relationship. Was that even possible? Or, would he come on so strong and then slowly, so slowly that you don't even notice what's happening until it's already happened, emotionally remove homself from the "US" that never really formed to begin with? Either way, I have come to realize in the week and a half since seeing them that, as my mother thankfully says, he's her problem now.

Why mother's always know is beyond me. Why we choose to ignore the fact that they do indeed know is beyond beyond. When my mom told me about a nice doctor I should meet in Boston through family connections, I quickly turned on her...."I'm not ready, I'm not calling him, it's strange". And my therapist, I mean my dad, said, "You know, meeting this guy could be the best thing for you". Maybe he's right. The last man I met through family connections I actually ended up engaged to. Hmmmm.....I guess all I can say to that is hello Boston. That and thanks mom, for going through the pain you see coming way in advance.