Hey! Pull My Finger

Why do we hold on to terrible relationships, even when they're over? I have good prospects so why can't I get my Ex out of my mind. How do you get that thing called closure? Do you get it from the other person or do you get it from yourself?

I heard he moved out of the neighborhood. No more worrying about what I look like at the gym. And though I should be filled with a sense of peace I find myself feeling more of a loss. He is indeed gone. He moved to the Berkshires- something we talked about doing.

I know I can never know for certain, but I wonder...does he think of me? Does he go to the bar we went to after seeing Frozen River and remember how I said that movie actually made me want to be a mother? Great movie, rent it. Melissa Leo is incredible.

And maybe the never being able to know is the exquisite part in this self torture- you can't know so you can't put it to bed. And so, in this painful way, the relationship is still a part of you.
But why do I want to hold on? Why is it so hard to get over when I know there are better people that want to be with me, right in front of me, people I know I actually would want to be with in return.

This my friends is self sabotage rearing its vicious face in all you desperately want. It sometimes snickers at you while you debate going into his email. Or it smiles at you condescendingly as it says, "hey, pull my finger." And, at times, usually in the early hours of the morning when you're too tired to fall asleep, it makes no attempt to disguise its intentions as you cry into your pillow so the neighbors won't hear for all that you hoped for and all that potential you believe you lost.