Last night I had the pleasure of being the only woman at a table of 4 at Haru on Park Ave South. Two of the men were single and eyeing everything and anything with xx chromosomes and the other was trying to be as helpful as possible in not only spying targets but offering ideas of entry.
These are two great guys, successful, smart, funny and not unattractive. So why did it seem that they were having trouble meeting women? Of course, it’s not easy to approach a woman knowing that rejection may be a very likely outcome. But these guys have every reason to be confident and self-assured and not in a way that makes them creepy.
Yet, they sabotage themselves, by over compensating either on a self deprecating level or a defensive aggression that really only comes from a good place. Their insecurities get the better of them.
But here’s the clincher… as I was on my way to dinner in a cab I looked down to a very tired, sweet, peaceful and momentarily vulnerable 36 year old head on my lap, I was struck by a thought. Women fall in love with a man’s weaknesses not his strengths.
If I look back on every relationship I’ve ever had two things are certain. Yes a man’s strength may attract a woman, his confidence, his character, his "game" if you will….but it’s a man’s weaknesses, vulnerabilities and the shortcomings he is trying to overcome that make us fall.
This is true for two reasons:
1. Women need to feel needed. A man who has no need for the comfort a woman can provide (I'm not talking sex, I mean emotional comfort) is depriving her of exercising her natural care-giving instinct and makes her feel like he’d be just fine without her.
2. A woman needs to feel that she knows her man intimately and that there is a softer side of him that he only feels comfortable sharing with her and her alone. That’s why you’ll find so many women in relationships with “assholes”. I promise you, he may come across as a dick to most people who meet him, but he’d probably lay down in traffic for her and she knows it.
That’s pretty powerful stuff. I’ve also learned that the ones that are over confident, crack too many jokes, and need to be the center of attention definitely are good at attracting the opposite sex but rarely make the best long term partners. Usually, they are too insecure, and self centered to make anyone else a priority.
Last year after attending a dinner party my mom called me and said, you know what, geeks make the best husbands. She wasn’t talking about my dad, though she thinks no one compares to him. He also is the coolest and a Clooney clone. She was talking about her group of women friends all married to Dr.s of one kind or another, medical, scientific geeks who probably had their heads buried in books during high school while the others experimented with drugs and sex and worried about being popular. She was probably right. “Cool” didn’t necessarily keep well when not refrigerated after being opened.
Today my mom told me about a friend’s brother who was leaving his wife after 20 plus years of marriage and putting 2 kids through college. He just wants to be free she said. His sister is devastated, she and her husband love the sister in-law so much and hurt for her.
"He always looked like an asshole," she said. I guess if it looks like an asshole and acts like an asshole, then guess what...it’s an asshole.
But back to the topic at hand. I’m going to boldly suggest that there is nothing wrong with the way these guys are approaching girls. There’s probably something wrong with the girls they’re approaching. You can read The Game and other PUA Straussian self help guides and though they may help you with an in, they can’t help you have staying power. When 2 people click, they click whether you’ve got game or not. And if you’re bumbling and fumbling and tell her she makes you nervous because you think she’s pretty and you’re a bit shy and she responds well, then guess what…She’s probably just the kind of girl you’re looking for.
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