Hmmmm

It’s New Years Eve day. The end of another year. A bad year in most people’s estimation. If I look back to where I was a year ago, I am personally in a much better place. Last New Years Eve I was on the brink of a break up that spawned this whole essay writing business to begin with. How cool is that? This New Year’s Eve, I many be on the brink of another break up…Yeah that sucks. I’ve sort of bookended 2009. In a way, I may be in the exact same place but I know I’m not. I am enriched. I am enriched by the relationship I’m in regardless of its outcome; I can’t say that for the previous one. That already is progress. I’m enriched by the writing I’ve been doing, by trying to live a truly authentic life, one that is true to who I am at the core. It’s just hard to be mindful of the fact that though I’ve been making small steps, those steps are progress. It’s even harder to be mindful of the progress when desperation and depression seem to be much easier things to cling to, as the progress is so small that it is virtually unperceivable to an outsider.

Earlier today while sitting here at the café that has become my office, Ben the person on the laptop next to mine said “what’s so great about new years, I’m one year closer to my demise.” Ah, a fellow writer I thought to myself. I was wrong. Ben is a recruiter. He also had other thoughts to offer about New Years Eve, “There’s too much pressure to be happy on new years.” And then I started thinking about happiness in general. I mean what is happiness? I tend to think I’m generally happy about something and then happiness turns into complacency and complacency into dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction then into restlessness and restlessness into anxiety. An “is this really my life” anxiety when only moments ago I seemed happy.

The years just keep going by. There’s no way to prevent that from happening or to slow down their perceived speed of passing that seems to grow with each year. So all I can do is make a resolution. I am going to be happy with this moment. And then this moment will lead to another moment in which I will plan to also be happy. I’ll just be in the moment so I can’t distract myself with thoughts of my past mistakes or the potential mistakes I may make in the future. That should be easy right? I resolve to be in the moment and to go to the gym more. After all, I did just join my boyfriend’s gym.

Hmmmm have I learned nothing this year?